NOTE: The YouTube Nazis have deleted Richard Land’s account, which was only the best account on the site. FUUUUCK. So you’ll notice many of the videos below are no longer available. I’m leaving them as is, though, with the descriptions, because, well, I’m too lazy to do otherwise.
ORIGINAL POST: Anyone who’s read anything on this blog knows about my love — call it a fetish — of military presses. Now, the obsession is with a specific type of press: When the heel lifts the jobber by using his trunks. I’m not as big a fan of when the heel just puts his hand in the jobber’s crotch and hoists him up. Impressive bit of strength, but doesn’t hit my trigger points. But to see a helpless jobber in trunks, being held by his chin or his fucking throat, while the heel yanks the trunks above the helpless sissy’s ass, putting him on display for the entire crowd to see? Oh my. I’ve spilled a lot of jobber juice over the decades to that image.
Note for wrestling folks: I’m using the military press term here, although I know there’s debate about what that actually means. He has to extend his arms! I don’t care about specifics, this is what I’ll call it for this blog. Obviously the phrase overhead press also works fine.
I was probably about 10 when the obsession started. I remember seeing a jobber lifted by Nikolai Volkoff and something about the image just struck me deep into my soul. I felt embarrassed for the jobber, like I shouldn’t be looking. Yet at the same time, even at that age, I wanted to be him. To be hoisted up, laughed at. Even the fact he was an evil Russian at the time played into it. I didn’t know the term heel at the time, but I knew this was a BAD GUY. And according to the wrestling world that I believed was 100 percent real, a BAD GUY could, when he wanted, lift you up by your trunks and show your butt to a crowd. It was mortifying to think about at that age. But why was I also drawn to the idea?
When I was like 9, we visited some family people. It was like the brother of my uncle’s wife. Not a blood relation. The guy was probably 40, had been in trouble with the law, had beat up some guy in a bar fight. Tough guy. A real, true-blue asshole. For some reason, as we were leaving, he wanted to give me a bad time and lifted me up by the seat of my shorts and my arm. Literally grabbed my ass, held me at waist level, and spun me around. I was so humiliated. Crushed. My three girl cousins saw it and all laughed and I got so red and just ran out of the house. I think I even cried a little. What the fuck was he doing? Of course I still think about it today. He didn’t press me over his head, but just that act of being grabbed on the rear of the shorts was so humiliating and similar to military presses that it stuck with me. To this day, three decades later, I can picture the shorts I was wearing and the feeling of going for a spin.
By the time I became a teen and puberty hit….oh boy. This period coincided with the era of Hercules, Bob Orton and big Nikolai, the three greatest practitioners of the military press via the trunks. When I was 15, I took my radio, which had a place to put tapes and you could hit record, put on my athletic underwear I used as trunks, and propped myself on the bed. I pushed record. I then would lie on my stomach, reach back and pull the undies up my ass. I’d dangle my legs, kick them. Sometimes I’d do this over the couch or hanging off the bed. I did this for about 15 years. I was an odd child/young adult. But feeling the panties up my ass, thinking about all the people seeing me in the crowd, and also rubbing the front of my trunks where my uncircumcised cock had a little pleasure point…soon enough I’d be splurging into the trunks. Back to the recorder. I pushed record and “announced” myself being military pressed, using all the lingo I’d heard over the years from people like Vince McMahon, Gordon Solie and Gorilla Monsoon. “Look at this. He’s lifting the man’s trunks six inches above his butt, Brain. That gives him so much leverage and he’s helpless. Look at him manhandling him like a sack of potatoes. Look at how he displays him to the crowd.”
This went on for, I don’t know, several minutes. Until I squirted. I kept that recording for quite a while before deleting it for the same reason so many other perverts get rid of things: I was terrified my parents would listen to it.
Of all the great matches I’ve had as a jobber this is still a move I’ve never had the chance to experience. Anyone out there strong enough to lift me by my trunks, hold me up and put me on display?
Anyway. Now, thanks to the magic of youtube, so many great military presses are available online. I’m going to put some of my favorites here with a few comments on what turns me on so much about them, besides the obvious jobber humiliations. This will be Zapruder level analysis and probably a bit too much but, well, I do love me a good military press.
No one enjoyed military pressing jobber fags like Orton. He loved showing their ass crack, both when he held them at waist level and then when he lifted. He’d often use one hand and just press them up and down, an evil grin on his face. Sometimes he’d drop them on his knee and then hoist them again. Damn, man.
Here he holds the classic jobber Brian Madden in his angelic white trunks. Love how he pulls down a bit on the trunks as he first holds him, giving a little show to the crowd. I can only imagine what the jobber thinks in this case: He’s at the complete mercy of the heel, nothing he can do. It’s just a matter of time until he’s lifted up into the lights. Here’s my favorite thing from this clip. Freeze it at 23:56. Look at the woman in the far right. She’s wearing like a yellow shirt with red sleeves. Her hands are over her face. They went up there when Orton turned her away with the jobber prey in his grip. The camera angle isn’t good but I think she saw part of the jobber’s ass when he turned that way with Madden. But then watch some more: After putting her hands to her face in some type of embarrassment or sympathy, she CHEERS AND CLAPS AND LAUGHS, and the only thing she can be cheering is that she just saw a jobber lifted and humiliated. Love this. Oh, and you might as well watch rest of the match because Orton then yanks on Madden’s trunks some more with an awesome superplex.
Ya know, maybe it was just the sight of a jobber in white that drove Orton crazy and made him want to lift and wedgie them in front of large groups of people. Here a young Shane Douglas is the unfortunate soul. Look at this! Look at it! Imagine being a horned up teenager watching this and immediately running to your room and putting on your WHITE athletic underwear — which eventually turned PINK thanks to a bad wash by mom — and how do you not jerk off and pretend you’re the young jobber? Well, I suppose you could have also fantasized about being the guy doing the lifting but in my house I was thinking about the victim. Orton uses one arm. Douglas’s legs are straight out as Orton decides his fate eight feet in the air. Men, women, kids, old people watch this jobber in white get dominated and manhandled. And then…just when you think he’s done, he extends his arm and Douglas is yanked up even higher! If Douglas had been afraid of heights we could have had a problem. And how about the mulleted fan on the right, standing, white T-shirt. He claps as he sees Orton lift him and I can practically imagine a boner forming in his jeans.
This is illegal in 28 states. If this jobber had been Red Tyler or Trent Knight or Bob Emory, I wouldn’t be able to function anymore. My parents would have found me drooling, wearing my sissy trunks, stained with cum, in a permanent jobber-induced coma. As it is it’s Sivi Afi (who?). But holy christ. Orton exposes Afi’s ass to the crowd. Exposes totally, pulling down and showing crack. The announcers are forced to comment on it. It’s the elephant in the room, how could they not tell the audience, oh, yeah, that’s a man’s butt there. And finally he lifts him onto his head and again holds him there, his fingers practically digging into Afi’s ass. This is incredible. I’d pay someone money to do this to me. I’d hire Bob Orton at 70 years old to do this to me. “You talk about a man with muscles and power,” the announcer drones. Yes…let’s talk about that, my good chap. While you commentate on me being lifted and exposed.
Here’s Hall of Fame jobber Trent Knight (unanimous choice) being lifted by Orton on an old Saturday night show. My only complaint was that Knight wasn’t wearing his baby blue trunks or red ones, but still, to see this pathetic jobber be put up into the military press…it’d be worth the price of admission.
No one could wedgie jobber fags like Nikolai. Here poor Jerry Allen in his silky blue panties is the victim. The poster, the awesome Wrestling Obsession, pauses it at 4:07, the perfect point when the trunks are shooting up the ass as if there’s buried gold there. Love how Allen picks the wedgie even as the match is going on. He knew something bad had happened, something that wasn’t in his jobber contract. This was a jobber who was properly embarrassed by what had happened to him in front of the crowd and the TV cameras. As he should have been. Again, I totally bought into the evil Russian thing with Nikolai. I had a genuine fear of this happening to me, in the same way other kids were scared of nuclear war because of The Day After.
This is not a jobber suffering, obviously, but it is still one of the GREATEST military press wedgies you will ever see. To the ultimate good guy, Hulk Hogan. The Russian proves his dominance over America’s greatest hero by utterly emasculating him, holding the champ’s delicious white trunks high above his ass. Look at how after the hold is completed, even Hogan is a bit embarrassed and adjusts the wedgie that Nikolai gave him. Anyone could be humbled when pressed high above the mat, even the United States’s greatest hero of the 1980s.
Reno Riggins! Those shiny orange trunks. So shiny. So orange. So jobberish. Who was the seamstress on those, and when she lovingly made them did she know some 300-pound Russian ogre would one day be grasping them, holding them above the jobber’s ass to expose his butt and then dropping him to his knee for a finishing move? Probably. And I mean, really, Nikolai doesn’t even really drop him on his knee. As he got older he seemed to miss this move more and more and it wasn’t as physically punishing to the jobber fags as it had been. No matter.
Did Terry Daniels know what he was getting into when he joined up with Sgt. Slaughter’s unit to go against the evil Russian? No. Maybe a promoter told him he’d be military press and wedgied and he’d get a nice paycheck. but did the promoter tell him it’d happen twice?! Look how he chokes the fucking jobber! Which Vince McMahon helpfully points out. Why didn’t the ref do something to stop it? Could have killed the man! Love that you can see the fag’s tan line the second time Nikolai lifts him, the white ass on display. Poor Terry. His legs kicking helplessly like the fairy he was.
Oh look it’s another babyface jobber in white getting pressed above Nikolai’s head. This time it’s the hunky, dim-witted (I’m assuming) Jim Powers going up for the ride.
Oh Nick Decarlo. If that is your real name. You jobber pussy. In your black trunks. Not good jobber trunks, boy, but you’re going to be exposed to this capacity crowd anyway while the announcers gasp.
Oh hey it’s Jim Powers again vs. Volkoff. This time in red trunks. Same result. Press, wedgie, backbreaker, you’re done jobber. And by the way, nice job disappointing us Americans.
I normally wouldn’t this one in because the jobber’s not wearing trunks, but it’s such a great example of a ridiculous jobber being lifted and dominated that it merited inclusion. The jobber: Some ham and egger name John Phillips. Who? Exactly. John the Jobber is tastefully decked out in a female bathing suit from 1944. God damn it, John, why couldn’t you have been adorned in nice jobber trunks for this? Still…what a press. I like how Nikolai also seemed to always enjoy pressing a jobber. It’s good to see someone who enjoys their job.
Nikolai teams up with Bad Leroy Brown — if there’s a black heel wrestling, you just know he’s going to be nicknamed Bad — and presses one of the hapless jobbers sent out to do battle against them. This probably was the ultimate bad guy pairing back in the day in Redneck USA. A Soviet and a black guy. Anything more terrifying to the crowd? God knows what they could do! And here the Soviet Bear presses and humiliates one of the no-name geeks sent out to represent the good guys.
Here it’s Steve Lombardi being pressed. The future Brooklyn Brawler. Throughout the match Gorilla Monsoon kept talking about Volkoff beating up the youngster. About how you had to pay your dues. Jesus I wanted to be a jobber paying his dues by wearing trunks and being pressed by evil communists. I know this was all just part of the wrestling game, but I really did imagine some young wrestler having to pay his dues. And I wanted to have to pay.
Anyway. That’s a sampling of some of the matches I loved as a kid, and still love today. I love discovering new ones online too and there are definitely more than this hidden away in some of the great YouTube collections online. I’ll keep watching them, and keep waiting for the one day when a heel lifts me up, holds me by the chin, pulls the trunks above my ass and wedgies me, and drops me to his knees.