Hey all. Working on a couple of things that hopefully I get up in the next decade. Won’t tease with titles or subjects because in the past I’ve done that and then not finished them and I feel bad and some readers get a bit feisty, understandably, and act like they want to suplex me…which wouldn’t be all bad.
So this is just a post about what I call WHEN A SQUASH MATCH DISAPPOINTS YOU.
We’ve all been there. A match is all set for a delightful, humiliating squash of a jobber. And then something throws it off so it’s not the total emasculation and utter destruction you wanted. After watching hundreds of squash matches from the golden era of the 1980s and early 90s, here are a few of mine. Feel free to add your own in the comments.
A jobber previously in perfect jobber trunks is now wearing bicycle shorts or long trunks
God damn, you, jobbers. So many of these guys would prance around and get humiliated in little jobber trunks and then eventually transition to longer shorts, bicycle type pants or long tights. Did they finally get too embarrassed? Did their girlfriends finally say, “Hey, listen, you look like a fag out there in Speedos getting beat up.” Did they finally pay off some blackmail to a disgusting promoter and earn their chance to escape panties and wrestle in big boy shorts? Some jobbers who did this: Bob Emory. Fuck. He went from the delicious tiny blue trunks to longer ones. What’s going on, Bob? Chaz wore the skimpiest trunks in the world and eventually moved to long tights. Curtis Thompson was guilty. Ross Greenberg wore amazing pink trunks while getting fucking cow prodded by the Mountie but eventually went to long tights. I would get so angry when I’d see these new uniforms on the jobbers.
Jobber thrown outside the ring or back in…and heel doesn’t use the back of the trunks to toss him
Maybe my single biggest pet peeve. If I was a promoter I would have INSISTED that any heel throwing a jobber outside the ring had to do it by the back of the trunks or face loss of paycheck for the night. No exceptions. At all. Note, this only held if the jobber was properly outfitted in jobber trunks, not tights. I didn’t care what they did when they were wearing long tights.
But if a heel faced Red Tyler, Tommy Angel, Trent Knight, Bob Emory, Todd Overbow, Ben Jordan, anyone in trunks and didn’t use the waistband or the actual ass of the trunks — Rotunda was great at that — when throwing them out, it was so disappointing. WEDGIE those fucking jobbers, god damn it. Instead they’d gently just throw them out or back onto the apron. Christ. Can you imagine having Tommy angel sprawled out in front of you on the cement floor? You’re a heel. That jobber is just begging to be yanked up by the rear, wedgied, held there for a few seconds so all the pretty girls in the front row get a good look at that fag’s ass, and then fire him back under the bottom rope. Don’t just lift him up gently by the arm and then shove him back.
Heel doesn’t use his finishing move
This one related mostly to guys like Bob Orton, Nikolai Volkoff and Barry Windham. Volkoff’s military press backbreaker is my all-time favorite move, as anyone who’s read this blog would know. The jobbers being held up there like a piece of meat, their trunks lifted several inches away from their ass, totally wedgied, sometimes their ass crack on display depending on the camera view, was an all-time classic. I dream about it. But sometimes old Nikolai would just finish off a jobber with a clothesline or a clothesline to the back of the neck or a leg drop or something similarly disappointing. Orton was king of the superplex. Again, I dream of wearing trunks and being lifted up and planted into the corner by Orton. Then slapped or punched to the face before he ascends, grabs a hold of my trunks and flips backward in a crushing maneuver. But he didn’t always use it. Sometimes he made up for it with a piledriver where he lifted the jobber up by his trunks and that was a good substitute. Same thing with Windham, another master of the superplex or facebuster where he’d lift the jobber by the trunks. But he’d use a lariat or a bulldog occasionally….yawn.
Camera angles mess up potentially killer shot
Do I blame the director on this or just bad luck? A guy slaps on a vertical suplex but the camera is on the other side so we don’t see the heel grabbing onto the side of the jobber’s trunks. A jobber is thankfully thrown out by his trunks but we only see the front so we don’t see those trunks being pulled up the jobber’s ass. A heel hooks a jobber’s leg on the three count but we don’t get the angle that shows the jobber’s ass and crotch on total display to the crowd. Dr. Death Steve Williams easily scoops up a pussy jobber for his powerslam finish, which always included him pulling down on the top of the trunks to reveal the hapless foe’s crack, but the camera shows us an angle from behind the heel. My ideal technology thing would allow fans to control camera angles.
Handcuffed foe isn’t handcuffed behind his back
This is my specific kink as I know a lot of people like seeing the jobber cuffed to the ropes. That never really did it for me. I loved when a heel like the Mountie or Big Bossman cuffed their jobbers behind their back, really making them totally helpless. Or hogtied them rightly arms and legs behind. Just seeing a jobber with one hand cuffed to the ropes didn’t get me excited.
Some ridiculous intrusion destroys an otherwise amazing squash opportunity.
A great example of this was Chris Hawn (Hahn) against Papa Shango. Papa Shango’s finishing move of the shoulderbreaker put the jobber up on his shoulders and revealed his manhood to god and everyone else. Todd Overbow’s package was on complete display in his faggy purple trunks. Red Tyler appeared to have a boner when lifted onto the big man’s shoulders. When Hawn stepped into the ring against Shango in little trunks, I was already jacking off. And then SHango puts a curse on him and his hand starts on fire!!!! WHAT THE FUCK. No match. Are you kidding? I refuse to put the video on here but youtube it if you want to. Ridiculous. Oooooh, scary. Hahn was going to be racked onto Shango’s shoulders in baby blue trunks and his little jobber cock was going to be on full display….but nooooooo.
The wrong guy gets dominated in a tag team squash
Picture this: NWA studios, Saturday night. Tiny ring, crowd close to the action. Arn Anderson and Tully Blanchard about to fucking destroy two jobbers. Particularly one jobber because one sad sack always had to take the brunt of the punishment. One of the jobber foes wears tiny trunks, the other long tights. Please god let the jobber in trunks get destroyed, maimed, manhandled, wedgied. Instead…..that jobber spends 10 seconds in the ring while the guy in long tights is put through his paces for like six minutes. Hated that. Get the jobber in trunks in there and have him be humiliated in front of his partner and the crowd. Who decided these things and thought it’d be good for the guy in tights to get destroyed?
There are a few of mine. Feel free to add yours!